A friend sent this to me today. I didn’t write it, but wish I did!
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch–ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor
pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can’t be satisfied
14. You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got
a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the
Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So
is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot.
You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical
infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
24. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
you cannot sing the blues.
